the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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