he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
