I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
