I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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