so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
