just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
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