when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
