I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
