You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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