Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
