is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
