Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
