I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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