Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Randomize
