bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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