my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Randomize
