Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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