someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Randomize
