She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
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