what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I have feelings that need drinking.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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