I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Randomize
