there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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