I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
