You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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