Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
