I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize