there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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