id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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