you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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