she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
