you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
