hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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