he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
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