i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I look excited, but its just a facade.
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