i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
