after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
