Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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