he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
