***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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