you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
