you're like a bully in the Christmas story
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
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