I faked an abortion last night.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Randomize
