My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I need a beard to bite.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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