Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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