no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
