I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
