I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
BRING THE BAGELS
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Randomize