Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
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