I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
