You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
