i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
