A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
