Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
