it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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