now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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