I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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