you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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