my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
